12 steps to overcoming your Twitter addiction

24 Jan

Disclaimer: If you have never heard of Twitter, this blog post will closely resemble gibberish or the rantings of a lunatic to you. Either stop reading now or learn what Twitter is.

“Do you check Twitter as you wake in the morning, and just before you fall asleep at night? Do you find your self compelled to share your life’s every detail with a bunch of total strangers online? Do you have more than 2 applications to monitor and use Twitter, on multiple devices?”

Well then you might have what is rapidy becoming known as “Twaddiction” (or will be after this blog post). If this is you – you have come to the right place.

A growing community of South Africans are living in a scary underworld where terms like tweets, twits and retweets are not obscure ornithological terms, but references to micro-blog posts, friends and the viral spread of information in bite size pieces. In this world, where almost any word can be prefixed by “tw”, we live, play, laugh, vent and even work.

The scourge of Twitter has taken the world by storm and is fast becoming just as popular (some brave souls even say replacing) traditional news, blogs and chat. A comparitavely slow starter in SA, it has nonetheless gripped our online community with an intense hold, with some poor sufferers unable to go even one day without tweeting.

So if you have attended a tweetup, have replaced “just Google it” with “just Tweet it” and are having to sell your Grandmother’s pearls to pay for your escalating bandwidth costs then listen up.

I have developed a Twelve step-programme to help you get over your addiction to all things Twitter. Yes, you read right; just by following this completely non-scientifically developed programme, you can become a normal user of Twitter and not feel the uncontrollable craving to tell your followers about events in your life before you tell your loved ones.

Lets all repeat these steps in unison and then sing “Kumbaya”:

Step 1: Admit you have a problem

Admit to your addiction and you are already half-way to recovery. Don’t hide your tweeting from your spouse or children anymore. They can hear the clicks as you furiously type your precious 140 character info-bytes. They have known about your twaddiction longer than you have.

Step 2: Put your trust in a higher power

Of course here, I’m talking about the Big G; the Almightly Google. Remember those innocent days where you researched things for yourself instead of just lazily tweeting a question and waiting for a response? Put your trust in Google and your twaddiction in their hands.

Step 3: Want to help yourself

The only requirement for Twitterholics Anonymous membership is a desire to control your tweeting. And of course an obscure screen name & manga-fied profile pic.

Step 4: Make a searching an moral inventory of yourself

There is no bot, app or cleverly named online tool to do this like there is for everything else in Twitter. You have to look within. How many times a day do you tweet? Come on, admit it – its more than you thought hey?

Step 5: Apologise for your actions

You know those people you refer to in Twitter as “child 1″ and “husband”? Those people love you. They have names and they are hurt by your twaddiction. Apologise to them. In person. A tweet like “@SnowgooseSA says sorry to @ShaunCusters for being addicted to twitter #twaddiction” does not count.

Step 6: Know you are not alone

There are other sufferers of this terrible addiction out there, united we shall overcome. I am starting a monthly Twebinar support group, DM me for details.

Step 7:  Enjoy the moment… 

Next time you are out with friends or have witnessed something beautiful or funny just savour the moment. Do not tweet it. But if you do, at least Twitpic it so the rest of us can see it too mkay?

Step 8 through 11: Rinse, repeat.

Okay, these were too similar to the other steps so I’m leaving them out. This blog post is now encroaching on valuable time I could use for tweeting.

Step 12:  Pay it forward

Once you have had a spiritual awakening and overcome your twaddiction, help others fight theirs. You could even become a motivational tweeter and post inspirational messages and tips. Remember to hashtag #twaddiction though so I can aggregate your tweets.

I hope these 12 steps toward recovery help you as much as they didn’t help me. You dont have to live in fear anymore, you are not alone! Even Hitler is in the grips of a violent twaddiction:

So say it with me people – let me hear you….

“Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I’m a Twitterholic!!!”

16 Responses to “12 steps to overcoming your Twitter addiction”

  1. Walter PikeNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 02:37 #

    Hi, My name is walter and I am a total twitterholic

    Lekker post :)

  2. Walter PikeNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 02:38 #

    …and I like it so not going to give up!!

  3. MelissaNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 04:17 #

    LMAO! I hadn’t seen this particular Hitler vid….awesome!
    Twitter rocks – its replaced many of my other SM channels – it’s just so easy and useful :)

  4. HeidiNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 04:52 #

    @WalterPike I’m with you there buddy!

    @Melissa I know, Its the best video ever! “Anyone who thinks they are too cool for Twitter can leave the room now”

  5. Brett PringleNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 06:32 #

    HA HA HA, that video is great!

    “Hi my name is Brett, and i’ve become a twitterholic” :)

  6. JeanetteNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 08:46 #

    PMSL!! That video is brilliant!!
    Hi, my name is Jeanette, and I’m a total twitterholic!

  7. SheBeeNo Gravatar 24 January, 2009 at 09:02 #

    But Heids, what if we don’t *want* to give up our addiction? Just one more hit, pleeeeeeeeease – I NEED IT!

  8. MartijnVreugdeNo Gravatar 26 January, 2009 at 02:05 #

    ROFL This is UTTERLY BRILLIANT!!!!
    That video had the whole office wondering why I’m laughing so loud :D

  9. Eve DmochowskaNo Gravatar 26 January, 2009 at 02:39 #

    So, so funny!

    Ummm…Heidi…. since I am Twitterholic I *know* that you should be studying instead of blogging…. (you can run, but you cannot hide!)

  10. ByronNo Gravatar 26 January, 2009 at 08:49 #

    Great Post Heidi :)
    Put a smile on my otherwise sour face today!

    Hi. My name is Byron and I am a #Twaddict…

  11. HeidiNo Gravatar 26 January, 2009 at 10:53 #

    @MartijnVreugde @EveD hehe, thanks guys! I like it too! Especially the fail whale bit!

  12. AmaBachaNo Gravatar 28 January, 2009 at 05:04 #

    Ha ha brilliant. Chuffed you followed through on the idea!

  13. DolceNo Gravatar 28 January, 2009 at 05:06 #

    Hi, my name is Dolce_SA….

  14. HeidiNo Gravatar 28 January, 2009 at 05:41 #

    @Amabacha – thanks! I owe you one for coming up with it! :)

    @Dolce You know you’re a Twitterholic when you Say your name is your Twitter handle instead of your real one ;) Dont worry, sometimes I introduce myself as Snowgoose! :)

  15. FeistyFemaleNo Gravatar 30 January, 2009 at 05:14 #

    While I am not addicted to twitter, I am addicted to tag games.

    You have been tagged! http://www.feistyfemale.com/index.php/2009/01/29/tagg-6th-file-of-a-6th-folder/

  16. JamesHNo Gravatar 16 July, 2010 at 10:26 #

    Twitter is totally addictive, I have it posting from my phone, but don’t think many people follow me. Hey it’s great to have a voice on the web :-)

    Great post :-)

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